Start With Why—But Mean It

The shadow work begins when we finally ask: What am I afraid of?

You don’t get to illuminate your shadows without understanding why you do what you do.

That sounds simple. Obvious, even. But “knowing your why” has been sanitized into a motivational poster. Something you’re supposed to declare out loud in three words or less. Something that makes you more productive. Something you slap on your LinkedIn headline.

The real why—the one that lives under your skin—is not polished or performative. It doesn’t make for a clean mission statement. It’s a feeling. A pattern. A set of instincts that run the show when no one is watching.

That’s what I mean when I say start with why.

I mean: get curious about what’s driving you—especially when you’re not at your best.

We all have strategies for getting what we want: respect, love, control, peace, recognition, freedom.

And we all have fears that spark when that strategy feels threatened.

That’s what the Enneagram maps so well: motivation and fear. Not behavior, not personality quirks, not traits. But the internal compass behind our moves. Whether we’re pleasing, planning, pushing, withdrawing—there’s a reason. There’s always a reason.

You might be showing up as the helper, but what’s underneath—fear of being unlovable?

You might lead like a challenger, but what’s under the charge—fear of betrayal?

That’s the question I return to over and over in my own life.

It’s how I moved from being the “good immigrant story” to someone willing to write her way into visibility. It’s how I let go of managing other people’s perceptions and started listening to what my body already knew: I was tired of performing. Tired of editing myself. Tired of leading from fear.

Your shadow isn’t bad. But it is loud—until you learn how to listen underneath it.

This is the kind of work I do with clients. This is what Illuminating Shadows means. We don’t just name the pain—we study the pattern. We get quiet. We ask better questions. We stop outsourcing our growth to personality labels and get specific about our motivation.

It’s not always comfortable—but it’s clarifying.

And clarity, not confidence, is what changes everything.

Keep reading: The Illuminating Practice is below the paywall.

This week’s practice: How to find your Enneagram type without a test—and why the right test still matters.